HOMOVISION REHAB: COMMIT YERSELF

It’s gonna be comedown Wednesday this week, mark my words, so watch out on those skates at Gay City Rollers with Dusty O & Stewart Who? en route to Xanadu.

How can anyone dispute that London is not THE queerest capital in the world with the most choices over the weekend? Over two days you got Bear Pride weekend, the European Gay Rugby Union weekend, GURU GURU, Megawoof, Lovechild, the ORANGE Summer of Love, 150 bars, over 50 clubs, sex clubs, back-rooms, a dozen all night saunas plus gay rollerskating in Vauxhall to finish you off. You need stamina, you need the plastic and you need commitment. So how come COMMITMENT is such an issue for gayers in their personal lives?

Fear not, this Tuesday review is not about civil union and matching champagne flutes – it’s about commitment to self. Yes you. Don’t you think it’s a better deal to love yourself a little bit more before you throw your life away to someone else? Since the weekend’s emotions have been chemically induced for many clubbers, the HOMOVISION REHAB with The SWARMITE is at hand to wipe the tears away – boyfriend drama’s follow a heavy Bank Holiday as sure as summer follows spring. Funny how it’s easy to act out an open relationship if the other one prefers not to shag around, but open relationships are the norm now even if the world is saying that you can’t ride two horses with one arse. Gays huh . . . inventive.

I would make more space for open relationships if partners were more commited to making it work, like honest open regular communication, as male on male sexual energy is widely different from male/female couplings. We have a joyous opportunity to create healthier open relationships that do not copy heterosexual ones yet we often blow the chance because of the fear of commitment to oneself – not the other person. The commitment is to trust yourself more, and many don’t. I hear the same mantra in coaching sessions – “I DON’T TRUST MYSELF – I don’t trust myself to abide to the open relationship rules, I don’t trust myself NOT to get messy this weekend and I don’t trust myself to have safer sex”. In short, I’m weaker than I thought when a cock turns up.

Not everyone falls into this boat but many are sailing close to the wind. The purpose of the HOMOVISION REHAB is to make us think more – it’s not here to judge or pontificate. London is a party town, let’s live it large, but casualties abound for all to see – so think of it as harm reduction directive.

It’s easy to commit to an overflowing diary without committing to taking responsibility for it. If we can’t learn to take responsibility for ourselves, how can we take responsibility for a grown-up open or closed relationship. You can’t give away what you haven’t got. Learning to tell the truth faster, being clearer with your intentions, releasing manipulations of others as well as your own are all pointers to healthier lifestyles.

The Swarmite knows how difficult this is but why wait till the pun of a rock bottom stirs or a break-up occurs to start looking at your own behavior.

Start now. You notice your waist often enough, now try the mind.

Successful party times are about knowledge. Knowledge of when to leave, when you’ve had enough and knowing when trouble starts. Know your trigger points and the gun won’t blast. Not committing yourself to dates, times and events is partly the fault of the mobile phone. This malfunction of self respect encourages leaving everything to the last minute, freeing yourself up for something better to come along. We do it in bars, clubs and the net. We need to practice the art of sane confrontation and if we can’t commit to confronting ourselves, then any open relationship isn’t worth the wording of partnership.

Commitment is scary because you may fail and who needs that on top of poor body image and receeding hair, yet commitment to change is yet to reach fashion status. Having the humility to see that you are not always right or at the head of the queue for attention is a beginning in committing yourself to balance, and balanced people find balanced relationships. It may sound dull compared to a 48 hour party marathon but something has to give because in 10 years time faded and jaded could be destination deadbeat for you.

Think back 10 years (some of you were hanging round school changing rooms . . . LOL) and consider your consumptions then. Did you have more fun on less? Did money change your status or prestige? Did you think that being gay meant what you experience now? Did you think that commitment meant entrapment? Do you think your mind, body and spirit can take another 10 years of bang at it? Even Jeanette Krankie knows when to give it a rest.

As a doodle exercise over the next 7 days examine all your behaviors every day before sleep. Don’t waste time being a knob focussing on all the people that piss you off with theirs – only focus on your response to this. Did you react or respond? Did you say one thing and do another? What riles us in others mirrors part of ourselves. If your life needs an audit seek outside help; if your drug intake is higher than your overdraft then question it, for without questions and answers, we stay stuck in Puddle Lane. It’s a miserable road and far from gay. Some gayers have been committed under The Mental Health Act for their own protection when tina turned out to be a fowl feathered friend so be careful out there.

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