HOMOVISION REHAB with THE SWARMITE: DATING

Let’s get it straight – Gaydar is not dating. Most Gay Dating sites need to be had up under the Trade Description Act as prick teasing – but dating it ain’t. At MILK IN THE PARK I bumped into a chum who dates a guy three times before he has a hand on his zipper.

How radical.

He was no minger either and clear from the pumped up frame on parade that care is what he gives to himself instead of giving time to a needy sidekick to feel complete. So many gay relationships are codependently based, moving in 2 weeks after the first shag that dating has been dismissed along with the desire for detail. This early thrust of love is not real love – it’s a need to be wanted, a need to be whole again and a need for emotional connection at any cost. To quote ATOMIC KITTEN “My friends make me smile if only for a short while – but you can make me whole again”. If Kerry Kantona is your relationship guru no wonder yer fucked – wholeness comes from inside not from another person.

New relationship technologies suggest that two whole people who love themselves first before loving someone else are more generous of heart and mind and more able to respond in a coupling than react with rattles out of prams. Many of my friends and clients have been stuck in codependent unions based on DECEPTION and with open relationships D is the new G.

Loving yourself can sound New Age, egotistical and phoney, when in fact D creates new rage, denial and falsehood. Recognizing what your own needs are before seducing someone else’s make healthier relationships so trust a gayer who asks questions on the first date. Dating has little to do with relationships while deception has everything to do with performance but authenticity always wins long-term, for acting out on that first date, auditioning for the part needs to be re-addressed.

Gayers are inclined to do physical before friendship which explains why most friends are ex-shags, old affairs and past relationships. Back rooms have a place but it’s not dating or a friend magnet. The most redeeming aspect of MILK this past weekend was casually milling round in daylight hearing without shouting, conversing without pretense, less small talk more long talk.

Dating also involves listening, sharing and being human which includes knocking over a bottle of wine with nervousness if need be, but above all it is about a lack of expectation. Expectation is as lethal as D & G. It leads you up the path of romantic tyranny, a dreamlike space of expectation that takes you away from the present moment and in the present moment you are dating not planning wedding bells.

It is interesting that sites like Gaydar and a chemical pharmacy on tap has created the most outrageous flirting – yet many clam up tighter than a nuns quim when face to face over a menu. Lack of practice I guess of real world intimacy for those techy all nighters on a cam & coke. As you get older effort IS required to create friends and dating provides a perfect opportunity to find a coupling of mind and interest without physical olympics when great tits no longer are priority.

Tarting yourself up on a first date is as ludicrous as wearing a sombre suit for a court appearance. Be yourself, feel comfortable and embrace the silent spaces. You don’t have to fill them – the other person may be nervously thinking or seeking a space to jump in if you are holding court and a busy iPhone. Turn the bloody thing OFF and respect the occasion. Focus. If there is physical attraction, savour it, don’t gulp it down as if the lust will be snatched from you and above all – don’t people please. Say what you mean and stick to it.

If you have a gym schedule then create a dating schedule. Try to arrange dates where there is a common interest other than top uncut and play with the art of attraction without destination. One date a month brings in 12 new people a year to befriend without the need to perform like an escort. Separate the sex dates from the new friend dates and continue bringing new people into your life. Having witnessed so many people in my life OD, drink themselves to death or die from AIDS (yes, whatever the HIV Healthcare Agencies say, people ARE still dying from HIV/AIDS related illnesses). I learnt to practice having a wide remit of friends, all ages, sexualities and social backgrounds to update the losses.

However since AIDS has popped up, you may want to discuss status over dinner too. “Do you know your status” is a general question between courses – I always ask it. Or perhaps you only discuss this aspect of yourself when you have your cock out? HIV/AIDS is all around us gayers, its a fact of life like global warming and Jordan’s love life, not an elephant in the room. But if you get rejected while owning a positive status don’t take it on board, feel sorry for the guy whose fear is bigger than your honesty.

Think of that property programme with the gayer (trying not to be gay LOL) who shows you the MYSTERY HOUSE – miles away from the client brief, people often choose it and are pleasantly surprised. Look upon dating in this way, prepare to be amazed that the guy who holds your attention is not the profile you would have chosen. But a word of warning – don’t fall into the trap of listing all the mingers you experienced before – new dating needs a new outlook, remember that this time it’s with new intentions, it’s not about looks, its about the brain. It’s about PRACTICE and practice makes perfect.

More perfect pages on Codependency and Relationships can be found at http://www.theswarmite.com or http://twitter.com/mygaytherapist