HOMOVISION REHAB with THE SWARMITE: INTERNATIONAL RESCUE

It’s that time of year for the holiday romance. In August with straights away on school term with the kids, gayers hold the fort preparing to stretch the summer sun till late October. It’s our time to feel the heat. Funny though how some gayers become teenage again and fall in love with the waiter and call in INTERNATIONAL RESCUE after 2 weeks on a tropical Island or being a sardine in Sitges. Just call Brains and THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO>>> full speed ahead for the visa bride. Many of us are experienced in the art of rescuing when it comes to relationships, or feeling the pain, plight and entrapment of others. It’s easy to become a human ambulance wherever we live or travel to and often this gesture is confused with romance. Meeting the perfect chum away in the tropics is so tempting but speed bumps need to be put in place if the union has legs, otherwise the emotion of loss will override sense. Somethings are just meant to be temporary.

THE RESCUER is a role within the Codependent model of relationships. In the 1950/60’s gay literature explored the role between an older upper class gentleman rescuing the young str8 ruffian, or misplaced gay scholar into a different world of opportunities, frequently resulting in a father/son type union. The son grows into a man, leaves the father, much remorse, tears, tantrums and resentment (…after all I have done for you…) resulting in the lonely twilight world of homosexual life that tabloids loved to portray at that time. To the contrary I was there in Kings Road and Girls Court in ‘67 and can confirm that the 60’s were certainly very swinging in the furtive, underground queer haunts as the Beatles sang LOVE ME DO. Gay shame was the order of the day and nobody loved a fairy when she’s 40 was sold as truth, now over 40 year olds are on the net cooing to a Brazilian half their age. So what’s the problem?

If you see unconditional love as having no agenda other than the gift of rescue with no return in deed, all is healthy – but if you see rescue as unconscious codependent ‘conditional’ love (….you WILL stay with me after all I have done for you…) then International Rescue games will be played just like straight guys do via mail order bride agencies. Those straight guys think they are seeking a loving lifetime relationship (after a week of scanning profiles?) when in reality they want regular sex with someone beneath them in economic underclass to control, demand and rescue. Modern 21st Century gayers can play the same rescue role at any age on the internet except this time it’s not about class. It’s about wealth and like straight guys the power of the wallet reigns, exploitation in the guise of love, a credit card plane ticket for the new beau in an instant. I have known guys on Gaydar in London who have flown to Brazil a week later to “fall in love”, then manipulate every angle to bring the lover home, all within a month. Very Madonna and little Mercy.

But you don’t need a holiday romance to be the rescuer, plenty of relationships back home start because one has less than the other, less friends, less money, less confidence. Finding a stray dog with no friends (then you can be all mine…) or someone with chem habits that need fixing are par for the course for the codependent. Paying your partners credit card bills as an act of love and devotion only enables your partner to be rescued yet again, rarely breeding personal responsibility for themselves. Clients and friends often bemoan that “they have been ripped off” when THEY handed their pin number to their significant other in the hour of need. At the time it was a good feeling to be of value, to help, assist and nurture, later developing into rancid resentment when the investment failed to pay off and the relationship ends. Helping someone out is not rescue or a human ambulance but we all know someone who makes a career of it in order to be liked and loved. If you can’t afford to lose it don’t give it. Helping a lover out is a good thing, not adding boundaries or payment review is not. Love needs to be practical.

Nurturing a holiday romance has great value but you need to give time, time, and be realistic. Starting a long distance relationship needs equality and responsibility on both sides. Bringing a lover to the UK or flying off on a whim sounds romantic but romance is fleeting. I know couples who met this way and have created good solid union, though a holiday romance often remains simply that, a chance to let our fences down, to flirt, to live in a dream space. Remember how many clothes you bought in the sun that look faintly ridiculous on the grey streets of London? Draw your own conclusions.

Anyway, it’s healthier to rescue yourself first before you shoot the rocket from Tracy Island, so if you need help on doing this check out http://www.theswarmite.com or twitter/mygaytherapist