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HOMOVISION REHAB with THE SWARMITE: EXPECTATIONS

Swarmite Parker — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 11:28:41 +0000

Setting expectations too high is societies curse, which is why government and partners fail us and media is flooded at this time of year with detox trivia, diet plans and resolutions. Don’t encourage them, be stylish – wait till February or when you feel you want to, rather than need to just because it’s New Year. January is the time for looking back, not unplanned impulsive action. Take note of Dickens little orphan boy Pip in Great Expectations, “take nothing on it’s looks; take everything on evidence : there’s no better rule”.

It’s a pity that gayers take many things on it’s looks – first glance, an image, a dealer or dress code often without resort to reality, living in a dream like space. It’s easy to be optimistic in a club then discover 6 weeks later knee deep in “a relationship” that he’s psychotic, a compulsive liar or an addict. It pays to do detail sooner. Although the Pythons insisted that we look on the bright side of life, optimism is another word for DENIAL so best if you face facts quickly, take everything on evidence and move on. Though it must be noted that denial is an unconscious defence mechanism necessary for survival, which is why it’s so rampant.

None of us can survive our lives without a certain amount of denial to keep us in balance, but with denial in regards to addiction, the denial is taken to extreme and since gayers have a habit of breaking conventional bounderies, we are more prone to addiction, because we often have no boundary of when to stop. We don’t want the party to end, the unconscious spending to end, the cruising to end and the chems to end but if we don’t take stock, look back over the year, the end will come sooner than expected.

Why do people deny they need help? There are many reasons for denial in addiction. One reason is that generally people do not like to feel helpless and out of control and ironically, to observers, this is exactly what addicts are feeling. Bob Mandel of the Loving Relationship Training said ” the only guru you need are the results in your life “, but any addict or compulsive user often refuses to face facts, relying instead on the expectation that it will all end with a wave of a magic wand. It won’t. The addict will blame everything and everyone except their own substance abuse for their problems. Another reason is that the addict may be using drugs or alcohol to cover up numb or unpleasant feelings and by stripping away the denial, the unpleasant feelings will come to the surface, one of the reason why chems are the lifeboat of the scene.

The last two weeks for gayers will have sorted the men from the boys, top this with office parties and extra socialising in December it’s no wonder we crave a detox, a rest or show the white flag for the New Year. It’s expected now that we slow down and the majority will, but many will be living with a nightmare partner, flatmate or family member with the party still in full swing. If you are – seek help. You may not help the addict but you can stop yourself getting drawn into manipulated guilts, codependency and the false expectation they will wake up and come out of their coma of justification.

While not all substance abusers have suffered past traumas in their lives, an inordinate amount have, child, sexual & physical abuse is common in the addicted population. For gayers add secrets, withheld emotions, homophobia and shame to the mix. But, no matter what the cause is of the denial, the important part is that the addict ( or anyone close to the addictive person ) confront the defense mechanism head on. This may be by what some addicts describe as “hitting bottom” or can come from confrontation with family, friends or through the court systems like possession or drunk driving.

Many times an addict will lose a job, friends or family relationships because of the addiction but still find enablers to supply. Denial in addiction is not a linear course, either. The addict may be in denial at some times, and facing reality at others, so addiction in denial may be fluid especially in the beginning stages of looking at themselves or in recovery. Even for those who are far along the recovery path, falling off the wagon and denial can strike at any time and will need to be overcome once again to get back on track. Perhaps Linkin Park talked about confronting denial best in their song “Breaking the Habit” when they said, “I’ll paint it on the walls, ’cause I’m the one at fault” in acknowledgement that a habit is indeed a personal disease for which one needs to take responsibility in order to break free.

More people consider REHAB in January than at any other time of year but the real test of whether you are in an addictive compulsive spiral is to stop and see how far you get without your poison be it alcohol, chems, escorts, food, internet or procrastination. Expect nothing and allow yourself to feel anything, even a feeling of surrender and freedom. Bare in mind that there are more compulsive dependents than addicts, but addiction will always grab you by the balls when it goes unobserved – ask a crack head or meth abuser. Best if you observe now, take stock, tell the truth to someone and seek help in the areas that control you. It’s not about stopping the party it’s about knowing when to leave. Look at your life, check the evidence, own it and then decide what needs changing. Don’t expect someone else to do it for you.

More support services can be found at http://www.theswarmite.com/urban-addictions
Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous have regular LGBT meetings in London – check Google for more information.

HOMOVISION REHAB with THE SWARMITE: XMAS BOOZE CHECK

Swarmite Parker — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 22:56:44 +0000

We know that Alcohol can make gayers do mad things but no one is mental enough to give up Booze before Christmas. Right? “It’s only another month before the New Year and I can get it sorted then” is the annual December mantra of hope. The page BOOZE CHECK on my own website is number 1 on Google if you tap it in, my most popular hit. Funny that, as we are led to believe by government and media that drug cartels are the greatest threat to civilisation when alcohol, the oldest known drug remains a coffer filler in taxes.

Don’t upset the horses. This brings us neatly to heroin chic and horse tranquilliser, contenders for regular off yer face activities. HEROIN for GAYERS? surely not, that’s so skag estate 1986, so dilly boy in the ’70s, well it’s all fashion retro now, visit any Narcotics Anonymous meeting in London or ANTIDOTE , the Soho LGBT substance misuse support service and you will find gay smack heads, recovering K-holers and the like. In the rush to find something higher and higher the old standby of dutch courage – BOOZE – is forgotten in the stampede.

Just because I don’t drink anymore doesn’t mean I am anti booze like a member of The Temperance Society, the problem as I found out, is not the booze or substance but the vessel it goes in and my vessel was as flooded as the Lake District . I remember someone saying “I drank to drown my problems then my problems learnt to swim”. Right. I needed help but couldn’t reach for the phone. Gayers who are alcoholics are in the minority compared to a majority who say they ” drink too much “. There is a difference, a fine line, and no one can tell you where it is, but if alcohol is costing you more than money then it makes sense to booze check.

Using December as a month to start is unrealistic as excuses abound, justifications made and duty calls. You may as well do yourself a service and get pissed till you’re ready to surrender the game and see what’s it’s like WITHOUT BOOZE in the New Year. Using alcohol to function as a remedy for social phobia is easy compared to tapping yer fingers in a dry period to prove you can live without it. People have such misconceptions of alcohol abuse, binge drinkers are the worst when it comes to porkies, lying to yourself that you don’t need it, “I’m not a daily drinker etc” is futile excuse compared to the things you do to prove the point. Just like some Class A Muscle Mary’s who don’t flinch at the dealers running costs or escorts bill of fare, who binge weekends and drink wheat grass juice in the week for detox, using gym workouts to prove they are on top to stay in the game of approval seeking. Excess can become normalised, losing the plot along the way with a chem-ed up body clock. Our bodies used to tell us when to stop, now the ego says stopping means missing out, then we moan that rejection is our own worst fear and reject the consequences of using. I have done it myself.

Office parties, group meet-ups, Shoreditch House invites, marathon clubbing weekends and being sick on the tube is all part of the vehicle called Xmas, but I have not yet scored 100 points this season witnessing sick on both inside double tube doors. The Great Escape. They never made it. No one is suggesting you adhere to the healthy units limit ( unless you’re driving ) the Government lays out, that’s gone at Happy Hour in Barcode, but it’s wise to EAT before you lash out in Soho and beyond. Have a great time and have a drink on me. You’re paying.

But some people are dreading the party season, let’s concentrate on two types. The first are the ones socially phobic, permanently shy and awkward in company and the second type could be connected to the first but is likely to worry someone just the same – the partner, boyfriend or best m8. For this group someone who changes personality or becomes abusive when drunk is nerve racking. Their Xmas is buggered before they start pulling crackers. Some are dreading going home for Xmas to face the drunken Mum or abusive Father or even worse – a drug free Christmas. Coming from a family damaged by alcohol breeds codependency and excuses, it also breeds silence when it comes to explaining London life in Vauxhall. Yes Xmas is difficult but good preparation ahead of the game can avoid worst fears. Christmas IS the most codependent time of the year and next week as the Virgin Timetable draws closer I shall focus on the coda pitfalls of going home. If you partner someone with a drinking problem, share what’s going on with friends, don’t enable the drinker and stop nagging. Make sure you have a Xmas too and avoid babysitting, heavy drinkers are amazingly resilient.

After New Year some of you may want to dry out a bit or consider purposeful using of alcohol and chems. Many support services are free and remember that paid for therapy costs no more than what you spend willy-nilly on booze and other distractions. If you have a drug or Alcohol issue maybe these guys can help in Soho : http://www.thehungerford.org/antidote.asp or check-in to The SwarmiteREHAB Booze Check Page : http://tinyurl.com/mckg6b for a New Year lifestyle makeover.

HOMOVISION REHAB with THE SWARMITE: ENLIGHTENMENT

Swarmite Parker — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 06:30:48 +0000

Thankfully, enlightenment is not the prime property of religion. For many BOOZE is the true sauce of light. Some years ago, I went to ClubNight – The Glory Hole @ Central Station Kings Cross with a friend, he head to toe in Prada, posing to the left and right while I entered the backroom dressed for the occasion in cargos and tight top, rarin’ to go. The room darkened on entry and as I strode forth the crowd parted like the Red Sea as if Jesus had arrived. Wow, what an entry.

Then I saw a quickening figure come toward me in slow motion who then instantly projected vomit all over me. Then I knew why the sea had parted. Seconds stood still. I walked outside stunned to find Miss Prada more astonished than I – because not only was I in shock but totally unaware of what I looked like. I went to the washroom and took off the top, rinsing it in cold water as cottagers looked over their right shoulder in amazement. Then who should come in but “The Sicky” and he looked at me as if to say ” why don’t you wash clothes at home like everyone else “. Then I got ENLIGHTENED, I could have been anybody in the way of his immediate desire to chuck – he’s in blackout.

Blackout is when you don’t recall events during and after a skinful. Many gayers call this a mark of a good night out, LOL, but it’s not funny if during this blackout you lose phones, wallets, keys or can’t remember where the car is parked. Bruises, torn shirts and bloodstains make no sense next morning, as you gingerly ask around for clues. The Sickie’s reaction to my face brought floods of memories of my own drinking years before I was deemed ” a heavy drinker, someone “who enjoys a drink”, or labeled alcoholic. I had been there.

Because I was sober that night, and had been for over a decade or two, my reaction was not one of anger, attack or darkness. My first thought was pragmatic – what do I do now? . . . Miss Prada went all codependent on me, feeling my pain etc but stopped at offering a Prada hankie to wipe my brow. Standards. Quick as a flash, I said ” I’m professional darling, I’m not gonna let some drunk spoil my evening, I’ll go home, shower, change and come back. I retained my cloak ticket (cloakies made conversation in those days and held my ticket open, so did the door whore). During the 12 min walk home, then back to the club refreshed, I thought of all the times I had been in a state like Sickie and felt huge compassion for his plight. I had discovered from experience that recovering from addiction means a continuous quest for enlightenment in the form of lightening up including not taking things personally. If I had been drinking that night I dare not think of of the consequences of my reaction. BOOZE is the forgotten drug. Maybe not forgotten on late night police telly in Newcastle but certainly forgotten by gayers who drink more, socialise more and have more disposable income to piss up a wall. A few lines of coke after the sorbet seem tame by comparison.

Mind you when people suggested I cut down my drinking I told them to piss off so I wont play the same game here but ENLIGHTENMENT also means awareness and it’s this level that I suggest you judge. Alcohol being a depressant, kicks you in the arse at some point and the speed of a gayers timetable now means double damage over a decade of drinking. Does anyone go out without a drink anymore, or not return from work with bottles clanking in a Tesco bag to de-stress? Certainly socialising without alcohol IS a bummer but think of those who don’t like alcohol or the taste of it (hard to believe I know), they manage as I do to lead a full social life. Living without booze is not like living with no legs and the bonus comes past 50 when you look naturally 10 years younger. Trust me. If you or someone you know has an alcohol problem then I can tell you alcohol is NOT the problem, living WITHOUT ALCOHOL is the problem because you are faced with your own raw fears, insecurities and low esteem.

Functioning alcohol dependents can go on for years with a red face and skin like a road map, trudging from fuel stop to fuel stop, so if you wonder where old gayers go many end up at the Wine Shop, snarling at the world, their partners and themselves in blackout rage, pissing in the wardrobe coz they think they are in the bathroom or vomiting at will when the mood takes. Learning to cut down now in your 20’s & 30’s will save a lot of soul searching and apologies later, but the reality is that if you are a piss head the lash will take you down a peg or two in lost respect, relationships and work opportunities eventually. The other issue is that drunks attract drunks, chem lovers will always find another and relationships with either are not made in heaven. The behaviour of a heavy alcohol or drug user will affect up to 20 people around them so the answer is to gain enlightenment through truth, honesty and action. Oh! . . and next time take a small torch (and a change of clothes) into the backroom. LOL.

If you need help for yourself around booze checkout http://www.theswarmite.com and click BOOZE CHECK or for support links around URBAN ADDICTIONS http://www.theswarmite.com/clublands-therapist/urban-addictions

HOMOVISION REHAB with THE SWARMITE: SACRIFICE

Swarmite Parker — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 11:44:54 +0000

Before chems became the main course and not the starter, GAY MEN’S HEALTH was all about catching the lurgee, the gay plague bestowed upon us by an unknown force and according to Donna Summer in the ’80’s, it was the Lord himself shouting down from above – no more bum fun for you lot. Sacrifice your pleasures. While we are on the subject of anal temptation ask any straight boy how they like it and it’s up the botty every time. Not their own of course, that’s for late night net chat fantasies, no it’s how they like to feel the force with a lady, so it’s not just prime homo territory as people assume. In the 1930’s anal penetration was grounds for hetero divorce in the courts and I gather was more popular than adultery when it came to sealing the deal.

You would think by the amount of HIV related material rammed down our throats for over 20 years that it’s the only disease we suffer from. All government funding around HIV/AIDS began to dry up in the mid nineties from the HIV pot when combos came in in 1996, it was combos or support services, not both, so fundees hunted around and found excess cash in the Mental Health budget to continue filling the AIDS industry coffers. PACE popped up, other agencies appeared but still the main focus remains HIV/AIDS. Even PACE’s strapline still says . . . sex, relationships & HIV. This serves to collude with the notion that HIV is the main issue for gayers when in fact (as any prison or hospital will tell you) alcohol and drug abuse is the REAL issue for individuals, so in order to serve the PC world of funding we put the cart before the horse. No one dare speak of the elephant in the room, the love that dare not speak it’s name: we take too many drugs.

Just because I haven’t used chems or alcohol since the early ’80’s, does not delete this gayer from debate. In order to stay alive I needed to sacrifice, let go, wake up and create my place in the gay arena without chemical support. It was hard at first, especially living with Chronic Active Hep B, a virus 100 times more infectious than HIV, as an unknown supercarrier infecting everyone for 12 years without any symptoms myself. When I finally stopped using and drinking, my cirrhosis scarred liver worsened into liver failure again and again. My eventual recovery without medication of any kind, plus a lot of personal development and breathwork therapy, released the Hep B virus in 1996 from my body, the same year combos arrived for those suffering with the impact of the HIV virus. So I know it’s possible to change lifestyle, thought patterns and habits.

The keyword is SACRIFICE. Now I know that sounds a bit religious, a little bit Donna, but the truth is that if we reduced our intake of chems, became consciously responsible enough to wear condoms and drank less, the HIV figures would tumble. Yet the services available and the funding required for drug & alcohol support agencies, especially gay ones, is a piss in the ocean compared to the HIV gravy train. The cart before the horse is not going to win the race. No one is suggesting stopping the booze or avoiding coke but jesus, look at yourselves. Some bright spark on comedown Tuesday is bound to call me judgemental, telling me about human rights and pig pits, it doesn’t bother me. Find another thread to ply your trade, this one is about being willing to observe your own behaviour not someone else’s. Without checking out yourself and taking action, denial will remain a constant companion and its a difficult friend to drop, but without the concept of sacrifice we will not survive turmoil. The credit crunch has woken us up to debt and if banks carry out the threat of hiking up the minimum payment for credit cards then many gayers are going to have to change address, gone away, address not known. The planet cannot survive without governments directives on environment yet we still plough on regardless as if immortality is something you simply purchase from Calvin Klein.

The amount of gay addicts around is very small compared to a majority who know they do “too much”, and it’s this grouping that needs to consider a more purposeful approach to getting trashed for the continued good of all concerned. No one wants to stop the party – just leave earlier, it’s an easy sacrifice to make. Many know of Doctors frustrated that recreational drug use is compromising the work of combos, that gay mental health is only brought up when a G overdose is mentioned, that Hep C amongst gayers is rising fast within the HIV+ sector. God I hate the bloody word HOLISTIC, all dolphins, tinkly bells and white walls, but this is the direction to go, treating ourselves as a WHOLE PERSON not just in divided parts. Places like PACE can attract those already interested in the healing process, and it’s good that they exist but that big majority who do “too much” would rather eat a snakes cock that present themselves at those hallowed doors. If this was not true, PACE would not need a big ad budget to promote and sign people up for FREE workshops, the queue would already be there. The reality is that groups are just not AD FAB enough anymore nor is the concept of self observation of any kind. The scene is being dominated by induced emotions via chemical use, unsafe sex is being acted out via alcohol, dry cleaning fluid, horse tranquilliser and home made meth factories : not really what Oscar Wilde had in mind. Doesn’t it make sense to reduce the stuff we put in our bodies before we stuff someones brain out?

If each gayer reduced intake of substances, relationships would change, depression and comedowns would be lessened and people could stand a chance of finding themselves again before they stepped into a coma of it’s all about ME. I can’t safely use again, I crossed the magic line into addiction, but you can check out your habits and reduce party pleasure before the future need to checkin to a rehab. It just takes a little sacrifice on your part, a little practice each day to create a big result. Start making a list now of where to begin this worthwhile journey of consciousness and personal responsibility.

More blogs on cutting down, out or finding an alternative route can be found @ http://www.theswarmite.com or join the HOMO REHAB Fan page on FB http://www.facebook.com/pages/HOMO-REHAB-with-The-Swarmite/198723290096?ref=ts for future updates.

HOMOVISION REHAB with THE SWARMITE: SUCCESS!

Swarmite Parker — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 06:44:14 +0000

Success – like poverty – is relative. In 1994 after living in Spain I returned to the UK, ill once again and found myself in a homeless hostel. Someone sent me a postcard that said POVERTY IS RELATIVE with a cartoon sketch of a woman screaming aloud that she was so broke “she couldn’t afford a decent moisturiser”. This put me in a place of gratitude. Joan Rivers once sat in the back of a Rolls for an interview and was asked whether she liked success. Her response was equally memorable. Yes, she said. I love success, I deserve success and I have to pinch myself every time I get in my Rolls, but then I remember when I was doing “toilets”. Aghast – I thought Joan was coming clean on cottaging but she went on to say all the “toilets” she had started out in, the yucky dressing rooms, the abusive audiences who didn’t wanna see a woman comedian, the six people who turned up, all contributed to her present success. By saying present she indicated that she could go right back to where she started, if humility was not a constant companion.

I can clearly remember a lost weekend, when I refused to open the curtains. A weekend when I was at the end of my tether, the last weekend of an intensive 3 month drug trial of human interferon every other day, with a dose so huge it blew your socks off. The Doctors got it wrong and eventually concluded it was the “smallest” dose the body could tolerate over a long period of time, not the other way round. Everyone died on the trial except me. I had cirrhosis and hadn’t had a drink for 14 months – what a success! But during that lost weekend I self harmed with alcohol at the 11th hour. A common ploy during my life then, to give up before the miracle. I remember the clink of ice in the tumbler, the gush of scotch from the Bells bottle and splash of coke (the real thing) followed by the rise of bubbles to my mouth. It was a glorious reunion.

In Sondheim’s Sweeny Todd, Benjamin Barker was given his shaving blades by Mrs Lovett after years of storage. Barker gloated, glistened and touched the blades slowly, lovingly and with intent for use as he thrust his arm up high shouting “AT LAST! – my arm is complete again!” This is how I felt guzzling down the contents of that tumbler. Before ice had melted the tumbler was topped up and it was only by the third tincture did I realise that I had fucked it. For the next 2 days I stayed in a darkened room, not washing, eating or seeing the light of day, only the gleam of glass whiskey bottles and wasted family size coke containers tossed aside like an old worn glove.

That weekend was exactly 27 years ago. On the Monday I got myself together somehow to get to The Royal Free Hospital for my last injection October 26 1982 and on the same day I gave up cigarettes, sugar in my tea & coffee, all mood altering drugs, illegal & legal (including Valium, that I had been on for 17 years) plus alcohol. Like Amy, I never went to Rehab but I did seek 12 Step Programme help and continue to do so and I have remained free of all the above since that sombre October morning. It took me ages to see myself as a success, years in fact. But now like Joan, I can go right back to the ” Toilets ” if I take my eye off the ball. It has been a wonderful gay life, drug and alcohol free for 27 years but one false move will fuck it up. I am humbled by this prospect.

Success for me now is more to do with peace of mind rather than emotional or material attachments and I have learnt that so called mistakes are part of the plan to understand that we are never in control of our lives the way that we think. Humility is essential to get our lives in perspective, to provoke gratitude and grace. Though I love designer labels (success symbols) a GUCCI Belt will only hold my trousers up. Nothing more. My esteem is now based on who I am instead of what I hold, who I mix with and what star hotel I choose. Many gayers think that once they get the best body, life will change, when in fact what changes is that the body you thought was good enough in May will be flawed by October. Remember getting all those toys you wanted for Christmas (temporary success) by March they were discarded while other demands for toys came along. This is a fact of ego life, what we hold dear becomes wallpaper, a normality of position – ask anyone in a coupling.

If you want to reduce chem usage or give up certain drugs my experience may help but I can’t do it for you or change you view of what success is if you continue to hang on to the past. Completion of the past while loving yourself more in the present is the only route to continued happiness I know. More blogs and info on different non-gay themes are available at http://www.theswarmite.com, http://www.twitter.com/mygaytherapist or join my HOMOVISION REHAB Fan Page on Facebook.

HOMOVISION REHAB with THE SWARMITE: FREEDOM

Swarmite Parker — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 07:19:47 +0000

In some quarters to admit “being in therapy” is as shaming as owning membership to the Jan Moir Fan Club, so you may wonder why people seek it, pay for it and continue the process of on-going examination. However, coming out as “being in therapy” is the new celebrity ring-a-ding these days, going into REHAB is so over it seems, unless your recording contract insists on it. Look at Amy – now what WAS that rider? :- I won’t go to REHAB unless it’s in St Lucia, I insist on working with the producer that worked on Back to Black to create my next album (that is 3 years late), I can drink beer every night and not eat anything. Alright then, I’ll go.

In order to experience freedom we need to sacrifice something including the freedom to be reckless in our lives. You may think that having a freedom flag mouse mat (very Nineties!) to cruise on while you lose 6 hours on Gaydar, is the freedom to be who you are but REAL freedom comes from inside – not from a flag. To find that freedom, a sense of balance and a guilt free wake up call is the reason many smart gayers choose therapy of any kind as a route to change. In decades gone past it was all about “accepting yourself as a homo”, now it’s about “accepting yourself as a crack addict”, a serial debtor, a codependent, a boozer or someone who just CAN’T find a relationship to keep. I blame Thatcher.

Until Thatcher brought in Clause 28 and Capital Gay Newspaper (with REAL NEWS in, not half dressed shots of twinks drinking tequila we see today) – said “unless you get out on the street, Thatcher will close the Gay Bars). It was the month of Mad March 1988. Until that time I had never seen 36,000 gayers and their str8 friends in one place, but I remember looking back on the march when we reached Piccadilly Circus, all I could see as far as the eye could see was US. Now that’s REAL freedom, and instead of controlling gays Thatcher was actually responsible for the 60,000 people who turned out for the 1988 Summer Gay Pride March that same year. Yes we marched then, not celebrated, for many HOMOVISION readers may not know that battles have been fought on their behalf.

In the late eighties and just after, you only “had therapy” if you were close to someone with AIDS, had AIDS or had received an HIV+ diagnosis and told you were about to die. Until this time we were affected by no other diseases aside from the dis-ease of being a gayer, the need to listen to torch singers and watch Streisand films. We had no other mental health issues. In 1998, a decade on, I was invited by EUROPRIDE (that year in Stockholm, Sweden) to present my own series of seminars I started in London in 1994 called QUEER LOVE QUEST, to be the first Gay Personal Development Programme ever to be part of the official festival itinerary. The tide had turned and other gay issues like homophobia, aging and addictions were being addresed. Thatcher had long gone, Nu Labour was the flavour, combos had arrived and our freedoms began, but without the attack by Thatcher, we would still be simpering and apologising for having a decent haircut.

Many forms of therapy exist, but the purpose is the same, FREEDOM from the past and present habits, resentments, toxic shame and guilt. Watching ITV’s Loose Women the other day I was shocked that half the panel saw therapy as “self -indulgent “. Codependency has often been described as a pattern of behaviour where you lose your own sense of self while caring for, parenting, worrying, rescuing or taking too much responsibility for others. Along the way we have been told that others come first, so I can see that within this context caring for yourself would be “self-indulgent”. Prompted by certain gay activists we have been told for so long that we are just like straights now and should not have “gay issues” anymore, we are just humans not defined by sexuality. Unfortunately the “issue” is still that you can’t walk down an average street holding your partners hand like straights do in complete freedom. Until we can do this with ease we have no cause to wave a flag. Until we can safely get off a bus and not hear homophobic abuse from feral youth or be beaten to death for standing our own ground we will not feel free. Yet in order to handle these outside interferences therapy can teach you to feel free from attack, free from the judge and jury in your head and free to live in the world of extras. I call it this because when you reduce a habit, or change an unhealthy routine you find extra time, extra interests and extra pride in yourself.

REHAB is seen in much the same way that many witness a gastric band. A last resort. Celebrity Rehab is now all about nervous exhaustion, pill addiction and can’t cope, no one goes in for booze anymore, except The Hoff. Fashions change. Some progress there I guess but until we get a grip of the journey we take to get to Rehab we will always need a rock bottom to wake up. Harm reduction is the new mantra, therapy is a speed-bump to harm reduction, not a self-indulgent exercise. Self indulgence is lost weekends in a K hole, half the night on Gaydar, losing your phone and buying another on a CC without knowing or caring what you owe. Self indulgence is not just a gayers charter but we have more loose change in our pocket with less responsibilities and a lifestyle that insists – not that it’s party as if it’s 1999 – but to party till we are 99.

So while you fiddle with your mouse mat consider where you feel FREE today – are you going to sit back in 10 days time while a silent vigil takes place in Trafalgar Square, to fight against energies that hate your very existence? Are you going to stand in a bar or make a stand in a square? While you ponder that, consider the 36,000 that marched that winters day in 1988 for the right for you to feel free. Take ACTION, the most powerful drug available to man.

If you need a life clear-out, chem free weekdays and higher esteem check out http://www.theswarmite or http://www.twitter.com/mygaytherapist or the new HOMO REHAB Fan Page on Facebook. It would be rude not to.

KEVIN MCGEE

Swarmite Parker — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 14:25:23 +0000

Today’s gay news is sadly dominated by the suicide of Kevin McGee, a shock to read, to even understand and devastation for his ex-civil partner the comedian, actor and writer Matt Lucas. Not being close to Matt’s circle we don’t know the whole story of the relationship, the expectations of civil union and the reality of the divorce. What we do know is that Kevin had addiction problems. He had experienced rehab for his addictions and his continuing “unreasonable behaviour” was the cause of the relationship break up, as stated by both parties.

One can only guess that “unreasonable behaviour” meant him constantly relapsing around his drugs of choice and the disease of addiction. Living with or being close to an addict is tempestuous at best and hopelessly frustrating at worst. I have worked with many addicts trying to recover, some after half a dozen stints in rehab, who never got clean and finally succumb to suicide, intended or not or the slow suicide of using till nothing else matters. Living with an addict is exhausting: the deceptions, half-truths, promises, tears and denial. Many addicts have additional mental health issues that can end in suicide, its a very complex issue, and in recovery terms with a dual diagnosis all the issues require separation so the ball of wool can be untangled. Often partners are advised to let the addict go so the codependency can be dissolved, this is the toughest stance for the partner, hoping it will “wake up” the addict to take personal responsibility for themselves with guided support. This unconditional act of love needs to be admired.

Matt’s statement after the divorce not to discuss reasons for the break-up on both sides was I suspect more to protect Kevin. It takes strength to let go of an addict while still loving them, while hating the condition they hold. Many gay men hooked on coke, often home alone, will experience similar desires to leave their body at times of fear and comedown. It is with great hope that they don’t, but sadly the grip of addiction surrounds us.

It is good to read that Matt has left his role on the London stage indefinitely to take care of himself. It is at this time that he needs to muster strength to avoid guilt, to be embraced by his friends and family while we remind ourselves that Kevins plight need not be repeated if we face our inner selves with hope & honesty. Many of us think that money, power, status and who we know, who we attach ourselves too, will save us from ourselves, our habits and deep insecurities. Watching someone close by destroy themselves and feeling helpless is the plight of many gayers in these turbulent times of chem peer pressure, body fascism and class A circles. If this news story resonates with your own experiences reaching out for help is the first step in finding solutions.

Addiction Today Magazine has a full list of self help groups, agencies and treatment solutions for all.

http://addictiontoday.typepad.com/addictiontoday/useful-links.html

http://www.theswarmite.com

HOMOVISION REHAB with THE SWARMITE: GAY GAMBLING

Swarmite Parker — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 07:43:10 +0000

Do gayers get excited about pokies? You might think it’s just a Facebook thing, a sexual flirt, when in fact pokie addiction is destroying lives worldwide. In Australia & New Zealand the problem is out of control and in Northern Europe countries like Estonia have more casinos than theatres and cinemas. The old one arm bandit has progressed to buttons but the endgame is the same, the longer you play a pokie, the more likely you are to lose all the money you put in the machine. Now we all know someone who can’t handle their booze, their G or Tina but how many GAY GAMBLERS do you know?

When you look at the gay lifestyle some may say we gamble every day with unsafe sex, drugs, pick-ups and the threat of homophobic abuse. But it’s true that admittance of self-fisting has more merit than owning up to debt caused by games of chance, such is the shame around gambling your life away. When I finally gave up booze and drugs (before they gave me up I might add), I thought I drank because I was gay only to discover that I drank alcoholically not homosexually. My sexuality lifestyle encouraged an addiction but was not the cause of it. A gay alcoholic is the same as a straight one and the same rings true for gamblers. I had mentioned in a previous blog on Internet Addiction: “Think chinese plate spinning, think tight concentration, think edging. Much like the addictive gambler who sits at the table for hours, lost in the spell of playing the game, net users can spend long periods of time in a trance like state…”

This trance like state is part of gaydar attraction, fixated on what’s gonna come up rather than what’s sitting on your plate, chinese or otherwise. Notice how high street gambling spots now look like social meeting places, we have 3 in a short stretch of Camden High Street with rows of pokies plus refreshments. You are likely to easily spot an alkie down Camden High Street but can you spot a gambler? They remain more closeted than closets. How many gay men do you know who enter the doors of William Hill for leisure? The law of average suggests they do. How would you know if your flatmate, partner or friend is a compulsive gambler since secretive behaviour is part of the deal? Gambling, like using, can be recreational but when when you start to lose more than money it may be time to get real. Gambling doesn’t start as a problem, some use it to avoid feelings of depression or see it as a pleasant way of escaping life’s responsibilities, much like any other escape route. Others see it as a stimulator, a mode of excitement much like a drug high. Eventually it becomes the norm and because the addictive personality demands so much more, it’s automatic to play harder with higher stakes, no different from the average clubbers weekend cocktail of substances, highs, lows and justifications. Same meat, different gravy.

It’s easy to think that this blog doesn’t apply to you but look further. The key element to gambling is deception and like internet profiling you can make up who you want to be and act it out :- wrong age, single (in a relationship), friends only (up for a shag) Safe SEX?(let’s discuss): deception is the name of the game. You don’t have to roll a dice to deceive. Switching credit cards, robbing peter to pay paul, cheating, lying and focusing on the future and not the present moment are all components of active addiction. Most of us have no idea what we owe, we just avoid the issue of payback time. Debt is the new bareback. Another gamble.

When you think about it, gayers are more inclined to be self sufficient, we don’t hunt in gangs like straight lads for sex, we are prone to secretive sexual antics (things we would NEVER discuss with our mates), are best placed in careers where we act alone, risk chem abuse more often and act quickly on sexual impulse. Older gay men are becoming reliant on the web rather than risk face to face in a bar. On-line sex and the need for instant gratification are seedbed practices for online gaming – real poker instead of pokies. It is the fastest growing addiction and you can see why, you don’t have to look your best for starters and with a couple of grams for companionship and a fist full of cards, your dreams can come true. Except no one knows about it. Especially when you can’t remember what you spent. It’s a bit like signing up for a porn site off yer face and 6 months later you still can’t understand why this monthly figure from nowhere keeps appearing.

Gambling alone is one thing but gambling within a relationship is the biggie. We all read the stories of the husband who has gambled away the house without the wife knowing. There must be a gay version. Not everyone who gambles is compulsive, not everyone who uses is an addict but it is clear that gayers are spending more pro rata web time than straights and this will increase as habits develop. Getting your own house in order with regular review is as wise as gym work. Great tits, shame about the court judgements does not make a great T shirt nor will it impress your new lover, unless he is a babysitting, parenting, fixing, rescuing codependent. And there are plenty of those around.

More urban addictions to poke around can be found at http://www.theswarmite.com or
twitter/mygaytherapist

HOMOVISION REHAB with THE SWARMITE: INTERNATIONAL RESCUE

Swarmite Parker — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 07:51:27 +0000

It’s that time of year for the holiday romance. In August with straights away on school term with the kids, gayers hold the fort preparing to stretch the summer sun till late October. It’s our time to feel the heat. Funny though how some gayers become teenage again and fall in love with the waiter and call in INTERNATIONAL RESCUE after 2 weeks on a tropical Island or being a sardine in Sitges. Just call Brains and THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO>>> full speed ahead for the visa bride. Many of us are experienced in the art of rescuing when it comes to relationships, or feeling the pain, plight and entrapment of others. It’s easy to become a human ambulance wherever we live or travel to and often this gesture is confused with romance. Meeting the perfect chum away in the tropics is so tempting but speed bumps need to be put in place if the union has legs, otherwise the emotion of loss will override sense. Somethings are just meant to be temporary.

THE RESCUER is a role within the Codependent model of relationships. In the 1950/60’s gay literature explored the role between an older upper class gentleman rescuing the young str8 ruffian, or misplaced gay scholar into a different world of opportunities, frequently resulting in a father/son type union. The son grows into a man, leaves the father, much remorse, tears, tantrums and resentment (…after all I have done for you…) resulting in the lonely twilight world of homosexual life that tabloids loved to portray at that time. To the contrary I was there in Kings Road and Girls Court in ‘67 and can confirm that the 60’s were certainly very swinging in the furtive, underground queer haunts as the Beatles sang LOVE ME DO. Gay shame was the order of the day and nobody loved a fairy when she’s 40 was sold as truth, now over 40 year olds are on the net cooing to a Brazilian half their age. So what’s the problem?

If you see unconditional love as having no agenda other than the gift of rescue with no return in deed, all is healthy – but if you see rescue as unconscious codependent ‘conditional’ love (….you WILL stay with me after all I have done for you…) then International Rescue games will be played just like straight guys do via mail order bride agencies. Those straight guys think they are seeking a loving lifetime relationship (after a week of scanning profiles?) when in reality they want regular sex with someone beneath them in economic underclass to control, demand and rescue. Modern 21st Century gayers can play the same rescue role at any age on the internet except this time it’s not about class. It’s about wealth and like straight guys the power of the wallet reigns, exploitation in the guise of love, a credit card plane ticket for the new beau in an instant. I have known guys on Gaydar in London who have flown to Brazil a week later to “fall in love”, then manipulate every angle to bring the lover home, all within a month. Very Madonna and little Mercy.

But you don’t need a holiday romance to be the rescuer, plenty of relationships back home start because one has less than the other, less friends, less money, less confidence. Finding a stray dog with no friends (then you can be all mine…) or someone with chem habits that need fixing are par for the course for the codependent. Paying your partners credit card bills as an act of love and devotion only enables your partner to be rescued yet again, rarely breeding personal responsibility for themselves. Clients and friends often bemoan that “they have been ripped off” when THEY handed their pin number to their significant other in the hour of need. At the time it was a good feeling to be of value, to help, assist and nurture, later developing into rancid resentment when the investment failed to pay off and the relationship ends. Helping someone out is not rescue or a human ambulance but we all know someone who makes a career of it in order to be liked and loved. If you can’t afford to lose it don’t give it. Helping a lover out is a good thing, not adding boundaries or payment review is not. Love needs to be practical.

Nurturing a holiday romance has great value but you need to give time, time, and be realistic. Starting a long distance relationship needs equality and responsibility on both sides. Bringing a lover to the UK or flying off on a whim sounds romantic but romance is fleeting. I know couples who met this way and have created good solid union, though a holiday romance often remains simply that, a chance to let our fences down, to flirt, to live in a dream space. Remember how many clothes you bought in the sun that look faintly ridiculous on the grey streets of London? Draw your own conclusions.

Anyway, it’s healthier to rescue yourself first before you shoot the rocket from Tracy Island, so if you need help on doing this check out http://www.theswarmite.com or twitter/mygaytherapist

HOMOVISION REHAB with THE SWARMITE: BOUNDARIES

Swarmite Parker — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 07:25:50 +0000

Compulsive behaviour is not only about sex, chems and the internet, it’s also about losing yourself obsessively in another person, a relationship or the workplace. “Gayers do it straight away” should be a bumper sticker, as two weeks after the first shag many move in ready for IKEA. They often work harder and stay later in the office or stay in a job too long because it means coming OUT again somewhere else. Since 30% of the population hate our guts (according to polls), it’s hardly surprising that it’s heads down on best behaviour so we don’t rock the boat. No wonder we get chemed up till dawn when left to our own devices.

Codependency has many differing explanations – here’s one by Sharon Wegscheider – Cruse ( no it’s not a drag queen) of Nurturing Networks in Ohio USA, she wrote this in 1988 and it still stands today:

“Co-dependency is a dis-ease. It is a specific condition characterized by preoccupation and extreme dependence on another person (emotionally, socially and sometimes physically), or on a substance (such as alcohol, drugs, nicotine and sugar), or on a behavior (such as workaholicism, gambling, compulsive sexual acting out). This dependence, nurtured over a long period of time, becomes a pathological condition that effects the co-dependent IN ALL OTHER RELATIONSHIPS.”

I put the last bit in caps because extreme dependency on anything will effect up to 20 people in your life, like a ripple in a pond. Check out how G users spoil the party every weekend. Check out how dependency on BB to experience “real sex” is buzzing up HIV figures. Check out how some aspects of the Gay scene look like a kindergarten. My view is that we are not exempt from self criticism.

Often seen as a caring persons behaviour, in the early 80’s the Codependent was described by treatment centres as the partner, friend, employer or family member who “cared too much” spending time and energy trying to change the addict, gambler, sex addict, alcoholic, etc’s behaviour. By rescuing “too much” they enabled the user to continue the acting out and lost themselves in the process so when the addict etc recovered and got well the people who tried to help were not always pleased. Instead they often became resentful, like a mother seeing her kids leave home, losing her identity. Many gay men experience this in relationships, constantly rescuing, parenting and babysitting someone who is not ready to listen, grow up or see the damage to body, purse and mind. Codependents often pick up the pieces.

The propensity to act out co-dependently is within all of us, so don’t think it’s just about people in relationships. It’s about fear, control and survival and you don’t have to have a drunk partner to rescue to escape this malady. It’s a complex subject but I believe that if each person concentrated on giving themselves as much love, concern and focus to themselves rather than others, the world would spin on its axis with the energy swing. Suddenly people would learn to parent themselves as well as assisting others to do the same. This is the balanced way of living.

A solution to codependency or the addiction of attachment is the understanding of boundaries and what I call speed-bumping. No not up the nose LOL but a slowing down of compulsive behaviour. Here is an example. You’re waiting for your flight and you find the CD/DVD section at Virgin – within 10 mins you have bought 6 items (because you can) to pass the time and feel good about this temporary fix – half will never be played. Others sit with a laptop and download in exactly the same manner. It’s a habit. We have not been trained to sit with ourselves and do nothing, so we become dependent (co-dependent) on something outside of ourselves to make us feel complete. As I said before, you do not need to be an addict to feel peoples pain (too much), worry yourself stupid when the BF doesn’t come home (ring the hospitals), control your partners dress sense (oh yes – it happens) and feel suicidal when “he” doesn’t ring. Some people become human ambulances whenever they are needed. You know who they are.

Since many aspects of gay lifestyle depend on extremity including not being able to experience PDA (Public Displays of Affection), the threat of being bashed kissing a man on the tube and for many the fear of coming out in the workplace, the extremity of “too much” makes us feel right at home. But in order to recover from chaos living and dysfunctional relationships we need to reclaim our voices. Now that sounds a bit OPRAH but in reality it means raised esteem and the simple ability to say NO more often instead of people pleasing into a quiet life. If you have a debt issue you may be codependent on cards to rescue you, or chems to take the pain away. When I was in my addictions I was allergic to reality but didn’t know it. I had no idea I controlled my partners (but I never chose one wiser than me). I thought having 15 credit cards was normal. I thought drinking, toking and popping pills evey day was normal until I ended up in the bankruptcy court. That brought me out of a coma.

I am suggesting you all examine your own individual comas of escape and ask yourself whether they hit you up like the happy daze of House or it’s just routine, habitual comatose acting out now. Consider where you could put boundaries up and ask yourself what “normal living” is for you. If its a blackout or a nightly hot chem sesh then you need to seek help, but for many gayers it may just mean cutting back to “purposeful” using, retailing, cheming or sex fests. Learn to speedbump each day, be conscious of each action and demand that the ego places upon you. Slow down and re-find yourself. Spend at least 2 nights in alone. DO NOT spend every night with your BF in the first 3 months and for gods sake STOP TEXTING 30 times a day to each other. Ask yourself why you do that? Is it insecurity, control or just automatic with no purpose. Every relationship needs breath in it. Learn to purposely use time and leave procrastination and panic at home. If you do have a partner who is heavily addicted, seek help for yourself not him. Experience has proved that once you stop playing the game by doing the opposite to what you normally do, like lifeboat rescue, they learn to wake up or find someone else.

More information about Codependency & urban Addictions can be found at http://www.theswarmite.com or http://www.twitter.com/mygaytherapist

HOMOVISION REHAB with THE SWARMITE: COMPLETION

Swarmite Parker — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 12:40:45 +0000

In some circles Notting Hill Carnival & Manchester Pride signal the end of Summer – the completion of a natural cycle – though Brits this year have been viciously cheated on any concept of summer known to man – but the promised commercial gangbang of SOHO PRIDE on September 13th at least will give fashionistas the first chance to air their Autumn Collection. Not content with damaging the commercial gay scene of bums on seats, Gaydar is now determined to give us all “a party” promoted by the same source that drove the gay scene into bedrooms and out of the bars. How ironic. Maybe they feel a tad guilty, hot-chem-sesh, BB an’ all. Unlikely.

The last Bank Holiday of Summer has gone, done and dusted as leaves fall off trees in preparation for the new autumn cycle, so like those cooking programmes that conserve produce for darker nights, here at HOMOVISION Rehab, COMPLETION is the order of the day. This could mean completion of a pattern, a binge, a project or a relationship. Completion of past relationships is vital if your emotional state is not to resemble a junk shop. A resentment here, a debt there, a betrayal that haunts or a thought process copied, handed down or transmitted. Clearing out all your summer clothes into boxes for storage is one way to take stock but taking stock of past hurts is seldom viewed. They say that “resentment kills the container it’s kept in” : I wonder what your body is hoarding?

As we recover from the Bank Holiday bash we observe both Jordan & Kerry going gung ho on new beginnings but ending up in the same old place. What with alcohol being “the third person in the marriage” is it any wonder. Kerry says she can’t stop using and Katie Price can’t stop being Jordan. Both represent the destructive, deceptive, codependent part of the human condition, that says one thing and does another, while drawing on the toke of denial. So it’s not just a gay thing, the need to feel complete and have a BF, to look sorted, open or closed. Seeking completion with another person is emotionally unintelligent, without completing with yourself first, coz as soon as they leave, you go back to where you started but with more fuel for revenge. After any relationship ends, (with a person, with a drug or with debt) it’s wise to savour the aftermath allowing bruises, hurts and mis-justice to surface and re-find yourself before you take off like a rocket in the arms of a stranger. To take note of repeated patterns, end-games and defects of character is the route to making yourself whole again, not rebound ilusional quick shag band aid. By dealing with codependent issues like neediness, quick fixing and blame with the action required, is the solution to both procrastination and victim-hood.

By working on yourself and completing all past relationships while single and giving time, time, it’s much more likely that you will attract someone who has been willing to own mishaps and observe correction much like yourself. If you keep finding partners who need rescuing or continue to control, the common factor is likely to be you. Relationships are not just about people, they include your relationship with money, chems, body image, career and alcohol. Now is the time, in the build up to Christmas, to check everything out, including credit card debts. What have you been putting off? What’s half finished? What relationships have gone beyond the sell-by date? Maybe your loyal relationship with a drug of choice is coming to an end, the body saying one thing and the ego shouting it down. If you have experienced too many hangovers, blackouts or lost phones these past few months create your own REHAB ready for Autumn, stand back and observe. Run the risk of asking all your friends where you could focus, where you could turn a corner.

Gayers are prone to avoiding criticism having spent years of oppression but one of the setbacks of having the time of our lives non-stop is that no-one is holding the reins to pull us back. So we need to create our own magnet of balance to ward off insanity and chaos living. Identify your trigger points, those moments that let you loose on the lash, the night before having to rise @ 6am for example. Now summers over, consider ” purposeful using “, selecting special occasions to run riot. Don’t take credit cards out with you or try to consciously reduce or pay off a card. This sense of completion offers experience to take the journey elsewhere in your life, to complete as you go along, to avoid hoarding, to release resentment ” in the moment ” instead of 3 years later. Clearing out your house only to fill it with rubbish again is like an addict in rehab who goes out and continues using.

Take a night off this week and write down everything INCOMPLETE in your life, then write down what the solution looks like. Try to avoid the behaviours of Katie or Kerry but they are brilliant teachers for all of us, it’s just a pity that humility, acceptance and personal responsibility are not yet part of their vernacular. Then move into ACTION on completing the past in preparation for the present.

If you need help in completing or need a kick start from the lazy daze of summer then click http://www.theswarmite.com
twitter/mygaytherapist

HOMOVISION REHAB with THE SWARMITE: JUNKIES

Swarmite Parker — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 08:31:30 +0000

It’s easy to sneer at scuzzy street junkies, scuttling off for their next drop while gayers fix themselves in A&F Muscle Fit, a bump, a line and serial sex. This observation illustrates how we all have a scale of snobbery when it comes to junkie behavior. Funny how Bears often add to their profiles NO DRUGGIES, while they eat all the pies and sup 10 pints of Newcastle Brown a night without heeding that alcohol is the oldest known drug. When I was bang at it, junkies were smack-heads, horse dealers, scat boys, skaggies or simply “on the brown”. The lowest of the low after meth drinkers. Now heroin addicts are almost respectable living on benefits, methadone and packs of Tennants. What a turnaround, well at least it helps the crime figures. Thankfully gayers don’t go round snatching bags and mainlining in parks but in some quarters gayers on the crack pipe is the new hubble bubble of fashion and look what happened to heroin chic. Chic passed away.

Glamorous addiction never lasts, the cheeks soon turn pale. It’s easy to think that gayers just do club drugs, hands in the air, that they never have to resort to dogs on string but the reality is that many do and are still out there nickin’ n survivin’. Like closets they lurk on the sidelines never fitting in, much like dilly boys on the meat rack in the 70’s. These lads weren’t straight acting, they were straight hustlers with damaged backgrounds who knew that a bum fuck or a suck off meant a £5 bag. The fix and a kindly punter was all they asked for. Gayers in tight tops always imagine that they would never stoop that low, that they would wake up before it got TOO bad but these are the YETS for anyone who uses. We are all junkies on some level but the extra luggage of shame and low esteem that homos bring to the table reflect the present day consumption of goodies that we use to escape fearful feelings, realities of life and viral intervention. Don’t ask, don’t tell. Look where SILENCE has led us – the world of illusions.

The illusion that tight tops and big Muscle Bears are somehow different from the manic street junkie is an epidemic of denial. Whether you score from a phone box or have it delivered by Addison Lee is off no consequence when you use a drug every day. Daily drugs users are not always addicts but they are junkies. Using dry cleaning fluid as a stabilizer is junk. Drug and alcohol dependency is so insidious that no one knows where the magic line is that gets you hooked. I have seen drug fucks use for 10 years and be able to cut back or cut out within a week while others become addicted to a drug of choice within weeks and can’t stop (and never stop till they OD). Most gayers sit in the middle of social using and heavy using without becoming addicts, but heavy using can destroy what’s left of your relationships, bank accounts and sanity. They say that you don’t have to hit bottom with a habit, you can get off at the 2nd Floor. Wise up while you can, the body will only take so much.

Think how many times you have gone out without a drink or drug inside you. When was the last time? When did you last have sex without stimulants ( . . and I’m not talking Viagra)? When was the last time you pigged out on comfort food and went on a binge? The propensity for JUNK is everywhere and our lifestyle of no dependents can lead us to junkie thinking. Instant gratification, I want, I must have, I WILL have – the illness of self obsession. Tempering our needs and knocking out the wants leads to balanced thinking, balanced lives and less emotional comedowns – which some of you may desire but have no idea about obtaining. Recovery starts with ownership, awareness and surrender. Surrendering the Gaydar profile for a while is a challenge I agree, but it may just save your arse – there are more meth junkies on there than a Louis Theroux documentary. There are also the junkie age liars, the junkie chatters, rescue me junkies, hot chem sesh junkies and junkies who refuse to be photographed. Many sit at home frantically searching (for what?) except wasting time. At least street junkies have a purpose – they need to find the cash each day for gear, they cant spunk up the credit cards like middle class whores. What’s your life purpose?

Focus this week on your own junkie behavior, it’s easy to knock someone else’s (especially a partner), try recognizing where you relapse into junkie thinking, acting out and progressive denial. Then consider a game plan for reversal toward more conscious using, for as I’ve said many times before, chems are not the problem, the problem lies in the vessel that consumes them. If you need more info on styling your life back into shape then check out http: //www.theswarmite.com or twitter/mygaytherapist

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