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HOMOVISION REHAB with THE SWARMITE: XMAS BOOZE CHECK

Swarmite Parker — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 22:56:44 +0000

We know that Alcohol can make gayers do mad things but no one is mental enough to give up Booze before Christmas. Right? “It’s only another month before the New Year and I can get it sorted then” is the annual December mantra of hope. The page BOOZE CHECK on my own website is number 1 on Google if you tap it in, my most popular hit. Funny that, as we are led to believe by government and media that drug cartels are the greatest threat to civilisation when alcohol, the oldest known drug remains a coffer filler in taxes.

Don’t upset the horses. This brings us neatly to heroin chic and horse tranquilliser, contenders for regular off yer face activities. HEROIN for GAYERS? surely not, that’s so skag estate 1986, so dilly boy in the ’70s, well it’s all fashion retro now, visit any Narcotics Anonymous meeting in London or ANTIDOTE , the Soho LGBT substance misuse support service and you will find gay smack heads, recovering K-holers and the like. In the rush to find something higher and higher the old standby of dutch courage – BOOZE – is forgotten in the stampede.

Just because I don’t drink anymore doesn’t mean I am anti booze like a member of The Temperance Society, the problem as I found out, is not the booze or substance but the vessel it goes in and my vessel was as flooded as the Lake District . I remember someone saying “I drank to drown my problems then my problems learnt to swim”. Right. I needed help but couldn’t reach for the phone. Gayers who are alcoholics are in the minority compared to a majority who say they ” drink too much “. There is a difference, a fine line, and no one can tell you where it is, but if alcohol is costing you more than money then it makes sense to booze check.

Using December as a month to start is unrealistic as excuses abound, justifications made and duty calls. You may as well do yourself a service and get pissed till you’re ready to surrender the game and see what’s it’s like WITHOUT BOOZE in the New Year. Using alcohol to function as a remedy for social phobia is easy compared to tapping yer fingers in a dry period to prove you can live without it. People have such misconceptions of alcohol abuse, binge drinkers are the worst when it comes to porkies, lying to yourself that you don’t need it, “I’m not a daily drinker etc” is futile excuse compared to the things you do to prove the point. Just like some Class A Muscle Mary’s who don’t flinch at the dealers running costs or escorts bill of fare, who binge weekends and drink wheat grass juice in the week for detox, using gym workouts to prove they are on top to stay in the game of approval seeking. Excess can become normalised, losing the plot along the way with a chem-ed up body clock. Our bodies used to tell us when to stop, now the ego says stopping means missing out, then we moan that rejection is our own worst fear and reject the consequences of using. I have done it myself.

Office parties, group meet-ups, Shoreditch House invites, marathon clubbing weekends and being sick on the tube is all part of the vehicle called Xmas, but I have not yet scored 100 points this season witnessing sick on both inside double tube doors. The Great Escape. They never made it. No one is suggesting you adhere to the healthy units limit ( unless you’re driving ) the Government lays out, that’s gone at Happy Hour in Barcode, but it’s wise to EAT before you lash out in Soho and beyond. Have a great time and have a drink on me. You’re paying.

But some people are dreading the party season, let’s concentrate on two types. The first are the ones socially phobic, permanently shy and awkward in company and the second type could be connected to the first but is likely to worry someone just the same – the partner, boyfriend or best m8. For this group someone who changes personality or becomes abusive when drunk is nerve racking. Their Xmas is buggered before they start pulling crackers. Some are dreading going home for Xmas to face the drunken Mum or abusive Father or even worse – a drug free Christmas. Coming from a family damaged by alcohol breeds codependency and excuses, it also breeds silence when it comes to explaining London life in Vauxhall. Yes Xmas is difficult but good preparation ahead of the game can avoid worst fears. Christmas IS the most codependent time of the year and next week as the Virgin Timetable draws closer I shall focus on the coda pitfalls of going home. If you partner someone with a drinking problem, share what’s going on with friends, don’t enable the drinker and stop nagging. Make sure you have a Xmas too and avoid babysitting, heavy drinkers are amazingly resilient.

After New Year some of you may want to dry out a bit or consider purposeful using of alcohol and chems. Many support services are free and remember that paid for therapy costs no more than what you spend willy-nilly on booze and other distractions. If you have a drug or Alcohol issue maybe these guys can help in Soho : http://www.thehungerford.org/antidote.asp or check-in to The SwarmiteREHAB Booze Check Page : http://tinyurl.com/mckg6b for a New Year lifestyle makeover.

VIDEO: GMFA’S MATTHEW HODSON ON HIV PREVENTION

Simon McD — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 20:02:11 +0000

Matthew Hodson, Head of Programmes at gay men’s health charity GMFA, has spoken to HOMOVISION.TV about the recent criticisms of HIV health campaigns as well as the work and aims of the charity, their policy on bareback porn and the effect the internet and sex-clubs have on HIV prevention.

Hodson says that the main aim of GMFA is to provide clear, honest, accurate and accessible information, and stresses the need for a balanced approach towards HIV prevention: “There isn’t one campaign, one booklet or piece of group work that will work equally with everyone,” he says. “We strive to give gay men information. The work we do works to empower gay men. We look at those issues like self-esteem and we do that with counseling, group work or mentoring. If gay men have the information, the ability and the resources for safer sex – that’s what we are striving for.”

In the interview, he also questions the results of the Soho Live Survey – featured in Gary Leigh’s article on HOMOVISION – stating that such research may simplify HIV prevention campaigns: “I think the problem with some of the criticism recently, is blame culture. I think this is the main problem with Gary’s research – it was asking people who’s to blame – and people could say it’s bareback porn, or the failure of HIV prevention agencies. But actually when people have unprotected sex, it’s not just because they saw a bareback porn film, it’s a whole range of different influences that go into that decision. That will be what their understanding of HIV is, what their understanding of HIV transmission is, how they feel about themselves, self-esteem, what they think their partner’s status is etc. These are really complex things. I think the problem with Gary’s survey is that it tried to make it really simple, and say there’s one reason why people are having unprotected sex, and I don’t think that relates to people’s experience.”

According to Hodson, most gay men now meet their first sexual partner online, which has lead to new challenges in the ways HIV prevention campaigns are developed: “Sixty percent of gay men meet their sexual partners on online dating websites. It’s the most significant place for people to meet. Ten years ago people were more likely to meet in cottages or cruising grounds,” he says. “There’s a real change in the way gay men organise their sex lives now, and this is something that HIV prevention agencies need to work with.”

Hodson is also admits that some advertisements for sex clubs in gay magazines are questionable: “I don’t think it’s up to me to say to a magazine who they should accept advertisements or not. I couldn’t name the club, but sometimes I have flicked through a magazine and seen an advert for a club and been quite shocked by the way its depicted because I think there’s a lot that does suggest that there’s sometimes quite hardcore and potentially dangerous activity.”

He adds: “I don’t think it’s damaging the work of GMFA, but I do think there are some things that make HIV prevention activity harder. But this is the environment we have to work in, and that’s why it’s really important that we put out our messages which are clear, unambiguous and honest.”

As to the future, Hodson admits that HIV prevention campaigns must be relevant: “There’s always new people to the scene and you’ve got to get information out to them,” he says. “We’ve got to look at new ways of using the Internet, which is a large part in which gay men organise their sex lives. And it is also about saying ‘We’ve got to take responsibility for our own behaviour’. I also think there’s new challenges which are presented by the fact that treatments are improving because it isn’t the death sentence it was 15 years ago and I think there is a real challenge because we can’t say “Don’t catch AIDS because you will die” because we’ve seen deaths drop by 80%.”

WATCH THE FULL INTERVIEW HERE

HOMOVISION REHAB with THE SWARMITE: VIRUS LIVING

Swarmite Parker — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 13:06:18 +0000

In the current PC climate of rising HIV infections, when health charities place the sensibilties of poz people above prevention, many say we need to go back to basics. When this gay plague started I was there, being tested at The Royal Free Hospital in Hampstead in 1981. Doctors had flown from America because a mysterious virus had turned up in major American cities in gay men who were also chronic Hepatitis B Virus. I had recently been told that I had Cirrhosis of the Liver caused by the hep virus living in my body undetected for a decade. I was a Hep B super-carrier with an immune system unable to create the antibodies to fight the virus. I stopped drinking alcohol, dealing with my addiction to booze and drugs but my liver got worse and I continued to self-infect myself with Hepatitis B until 1996 when I cleared the virus through yogic breathwork and thousands spent on therapy, retreats and alternative approaches.

I was one of ten on the first human interferon drug trial in 1982 – there was, and there still is no cure, and I received no further medication except to manage liver failure. Everyone died on the trial except me. All gay men under the guidance of The Royal Free and St Mary’s in Paddington were tested by American doctors, hair, blood, saliva and semen, to see if we had the mysterious virus called GRID.

Gay Related Immune Deficiency.

In 1984 French & American Researchers came up with the same conclusion and called it the HIV Virus. I did not have the HIV virus and remain negative today – having survived one virus, why create another? Reading through the following quotes you will notice that nothing much has changed in 25 years. The only unspoken thread is that millions and millions of ££££’s are thrown at the AIDS Industry for 80,000 people in the UK when hardly anything is available from the Government for the University of Southhampton’s figure of 450,000 people in the UK living & dying with Hep C.

Poz gay guys who prefer to BB run a risk of becoming infected with Hep C as well as other STD’s, and the figures for gay men are rising.
Health Agencies insist ” HIV is a manageable disease with a few pills each day “. It isn’t. This is as much a scandal as those 450,000 Hep C carriers in the UK and 326,000 infected with Hep B in the UK who are left to wander in the wilderness without a day to rattle tins or gain support services. Worldwide more than 350 million people have chronic or lifelong Hepatitis B infections.

Centers For Disease Control, Atlanta, USA. 1984
“Four days later, researchers from the Pasteur Institute provided Don Francis with convincing proof that their virus, LAV, caused AIDS. In October, Francis had sent the French Scientists 30 blood samples, including 10 from the San Francisco Hepatitis B cohort of gay men who had developed AIDS, 10 from gay men with lymphadenopathy, and 10 from heterosexuals not at risk for AIDS. The samples were sent blind, marked only with code numbers. The French researchers reported to Don Francis their results : positive LAV antibody tests in 20 of the samples and negative tests in 10. Francis quickly paged through his notes to compare the code numbers. The French had accurately sorted the blood of AIDS and lymphadenopathy patients from the blood of uninfected people. Francis was elated. With the cause of AIDS found, scientists could now get on with the business of controlling the spread of the epidemic and finding a vaccine.” – AND THE BAND PLAYED ON / Randy Shilts

New York 1989
“First, I’d always been a little crazy, not clinically, just over-intense, compulsive, prone to a variety of erotic addictions and narcissistic mood swings – euphoria to despair in 3 seconds flat. Second, the backdrop of my breakdown – New York in the Eighties – was insane in itself. Third and most important, I was plugged into the epicenter of that insanity, working for Andy Warhol. the grand vizier of meaninglessness, and the most famous artist in the world. In the three years since I started working there, Andy had come to symbolize everything that was wrong with the world : hype and cleverness without soul, a Technicolor surface without depth, a glittering facade fashioned from fame, name and money; an inverted place where everything and everyone is reduced to an object and put on sale, where everyone has his fifteen minutes, where the serious is boring, the fluffy fabulous and behind this great mask of glamour and image, an abyss. It wasn’t always like this. For a long time, this world thrilled me. With every hoop my bosses held up, I jumped higher. New York was the big game and I adored it. I scheduled an appointment for the HIV test on March 30 1989. I was casual about it with friends, who warned me of my usual bravado” – SEX, DEATH, ENLIGHTENMENT / Mark Matousek

New York City 1994
“Even during the most repressive years of the AIDS crisis, a vibrant sexual playground survived in secret. The streets grew cold and scant, the neighbourhood bars thinned out, but if you knew the right someone you got taken to a place behind locked doors. Most gay men knew the right someone. The generation of gay men who have come of age in the era of AIDS are as fervent in desire as their disappearing Stonewall predecessors. In New York the night before the June 1994 Gay Pride Parade celebrating 25 years of gay liberation, the lineup of clean-cut, all -American men for a popular sex club stretched five blocks down the West Side Highway. The truth is that gay men like to have communal sex – or, as it’s called in the vulgate, orgies. Communal sex is to gay men what golf is to, well, other kinds of men: they find beauty and bonding in it. It defines the individual as part of a collective. By definition – because that is how history and social forces have conspired – “gay” is the construction of identity through sexual relations. The origin of the modern gay community arose in the simple act of two men picking each other up” – THE CRISIS OF DESIRE : AIDS AND THE FATE OF GAY BROTHERHOOD / Robin Hardy

London does not have anywhere to remember those brave souls who were struck down with AIDS. We are told that no-one dies of AIDS anymore, cancer, as example, has always reassured the family on a death certificate. If no shame exists around HIV/AIDS why not proudly proclaim on the Death Certificate: Cause of Death: Aids Related Infection.

Londoners have never dealt with the critical mass of collective grief over Aids, we have nowhere to ponder on the friends we lost, a space to leave notes, flowers and acknowledgement. Gary Henshaw of KU Bar and myself have started a Facebook group today to correct this error, aiming to create such a space for WORLD PRIDE LONDON 2012. Please join our group:

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=180686542643&ref=nf

BRIT DESIGNER BACKS WORLD AIDS DAY

HOMOVISION — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 12:18:17 +0000

British Fashion designer Giles Deacon and a host of celebrities are backing Crusaid’s THINK. TALK. ACT.GIVE! campaign this World AIDS Day, December 1st. The campaign calls for the public to consider the issues around HIV and AIDS – such as the link to poverty – with the aim of putting the illness back on the public agenda. The exclusive GILES Eek mascot t shirt will be available to buy from www.thinktalkactgive.org with all proceeds going towards Crusaid’s work around HIV and AIDS in the UK and internationally.

Brit designer Giles Deacon has designed an exclusive t-shirt with all proceeds going towards Crusaid’s work around HIV and AIDS in the UK and internationally. Deacon has incorporated his quirky mascot Eek who features as part of his new jewellery collection.

“People need to be reminded that HIV and AIDS haven’t gone away and that it was not just an illness of the eighties. Fashion is a form of self expression and always gets people talking. By getting Eek ‘protected’ I hope he can inspire many conversations around HIV and AIDS and really get people talking and thinking about this illness– it affects everyone!” said Giles Deacon.

Through its various programmes, Crusaid provides support to adults and children affected by HIV and AIDS living in poverty in the UK and internationally. The Crusaid Hardship Fund alone supports one in three people affected by HIV and AIDS living in the UK. Crusaid does not receive government funding and so therefore relies on the support of its donors and money raised from the charities fundraising events.

Chief Executive, Jordan Hay said, “HIV and AIDS issues appear to have become less of a priority, especially in the UK. So many people are living with the illness and in unimaginable conditions. Our message this World AIDS Day is clear, we all need to think, talk, act and give – HIV and AIDS have not gone away and the issues will remain unless we all come together to do something.”

For details about the Crusaid’s THINK. TALK. ACT.GIVE! campaign visit www.thinktalkactgive.org.

TEACHER THREATENED TO HAVE GAY STUDENT KILLED

HOMOVISION — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:57:37 +0000

Over in the US, a teacher has been reportedly been paid on leave after being allegedly making threats to kill a 16-year old student.

Teacher Randolph Forde was arrested last month after being accused of asking the student whether or not he was gay, threatening to hit the student and later offering another student money to kill the boy.

Forde’s lawyer said the teacher only asked the student if he was gay after seeing him dance inappropriately with another male student, adding that the student didn’t have a problem with the question until he got into trouble for something else and was getting suspended.

School officials are investigating the allegations.

BEENIE MAN CONCERTS AXED IN NZ

HOMOVISION — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 12:08:52 +0000

All of Beenie Man’s Australian and New Zealand concert dates have been cancelled. This follows protests by gay rights groups, including the Australian Coalition for Equality. It also follows representations to the tour organisers by Peter Tatchell of OutRage!, acting on behalf of the international Stop Murder Music campaign.

“These concert cancellations will hit Beenie Man hard in the pocket. He has lost tens of thousands of dollars. The success of this campaign sends a warning message to all murder music artists: inciting homophobic violence will cost you money. You will lose out big time,” said Mr Tatchell.

Beenie Man had been scheduled to perform in January 2010 at Big Day Out concerts in the Australian cities of Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaide and Perth and in the New Zealand city of Auckland.

Mr Tatchell wrote to Big Day Out organisers urging them to cancel the concerts:

“Beenie Man is clearly unrepentant. He has never apologised for urging the killing of gay people. In fact, he put out a statement and hit song called ‘I no apologise’. You would not consider hosting Beenie Man if he was a white racist singer who had called for the murder of black people. You would dump him. There should be no double standards when it comes to singers who incite homophobic violence,” wrote Mr Tatchell.

“Beenie Man is one of Jamaica’s leading reggae stars. He has had hit tunes which incite the murder of lesbians and gay men. It is a tragedy that he has not used his undoubted musical talent to promote the true reggae message of justice, harmony, peace and love.

“Although Beenie Man made an agreement to cease his murder music, he has since reneged and denounced the agreement. He went on to release a song: ‘I no apologise,’” confirmed Mr Tatchell.

In his hit tune Damn, Beenie Man sings: “I’m dreaming of a new Jamaica, come to execute all the queers.”

Another of his popular recordings, Bad Man Chi Chi Man (Bad Man Queer Man), instructs listeners to kill gay DJs and boasts that people would gladly go to jail for killing a queer:

“If yuh nuh chi chi (queer) man wave yuh right hand and (NO!!!) / If yuh nuh lesbian wave yuh right hand and (NO!!!) / Some bwoy will go a jail fi kill man tun bad man chi chi man!!! / Tell mi, sumfest it should a be a showdown / Yuh seem to run off a stage like a clown (Kill Dem DJ!!!)”.

Chi Chi Man is a very offensive Jamaican patois homophobic slang insult, equivalent to the insulting words queer, poof and faggot.

RESCUE PACKAGE PROPOSED FOR BRIGHTON PRIDE

HOMOVISION — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 16:06:46 +0000

Wilde Ones, Pride in Brighton and Hove’s production company for the last ten years, is proposing a rescue package for Brighton Pride.

The proposal aims to keep the same style of event that was produced in 2009, but with additional enhancements, and with all profits going to local voluntary sector and HIV organisations.

Brighton Pride announced recently dramatic changes to future events - such as the removal of the dance tents – due to funding deficits.

Wilde Ones say they disagree with the board of Pride’s assessment of its current financial problems, and its subsequent solutions. They also question Brighton Pride for not giving any grants to the community this year, not engaging with the LGBT community and state that the organisation’s poor management is damaging future sponsorship and delivery of future Prides.

The business/community partnership proposal includes the fencing of Preston Park with the aim of collecting donations on entry to the park, restrict the activities of illegal sellers of alcohol, dissuade homophobic attendees and prevent illegal traders taking money away from the event.

All 2009’s attractions will be present, including the Calabash Tent, the Women’s Tent, the Line Dancing Tent, the Dance Big Top, the Girls’ Dance Tent, the Bears’ Tent, the Indie Tent, the Cabaret Big Top and the funfair.

The proposal also includes the rebranding of the event as “Gay Pride – a celeration of LGBT lives”.

You can download the full proposal here: Wilde Ones Rescue Package

CHATLINE ROBBER: “GAY MEN WERE EASY TARGETS”

HOMOVISION — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:27:47 +0000

A man who robbed gay men he met on gay chatlines has been jailed for six years.

Adil Zahid, 27, fromWalthamstow, pleaded guilty to four counts of robbery and one count of handling a stolen vehicle. He said his motives for attacking the men were strategic rather than homophobic as he believed targeting gay men would make easy targets.

During one incident Zahid took a knife and forced his victim to take him home where he took a laptop, stereo and jewellery. Although victims were threatened with stabbings if they refused, none were injured.

Judge Peter Ader said: “You met these men intending them to believe that they were going to form a connection with you. Having gained their confidence…you proceeded to rob them.

“It was a detailed ploy on your part to attract potential victims who had money, having believed they were going on an evening of entertainment, and who might be embarrased to come forward because of the nature of the crime”.

He added: “I recognise you are an intelligent man but you should be using your intelligence in different ways. You can spend a large portion of your life in prison and waste it or you could put your intelligence to good use, get a job and earn a living to fund your lifestyle.”

VIDEO: LONDON HATE CRIME VIGIL

HOMOVISION — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 10:48:18 +0000

Organisers estimate over 10,000 people attended the London Hate Crime Vigil in Trafalgar Square on Friday night, while similar events happened in Brighton and Manchester.

Hosted by broadcaster Sandy Toksvig, the London event paid tribute to those people who had been affected by hate crimes throughout the world. Family and friends of Ian Baynham, who was attacked in Trafalgar Square, spoke to the crowd, alongside representatives of various gay organisations and MPs.

Mark Healey of 17-24-30 Group, who organised the event, stressed the importance of the gay community standing together against hate crime, as well as re-developing grass-root communities: “For a long time, I feel there has been a hole in our community, in the sense that it’s all been focused on the scene, rather than building the community. We really need to balance this out. It’s not just about money over bars. It’s about looking after the new people coming out.”

A statement from Gordon Brown was read out by minister Maria Eagle, which said: “I give you my word today that resisting all forms of hate crime remains a top priority for the Labour government. Perhaps the cruelest impact of hate crime is the loneliness and fear which it inspires in the communities it targets. And so to defeat hate we need not just policies – but pride. That is what you are all showing this evening. So let us say as one that we stand together strong in our diversity and united in our determination that while the march towards equality may be long, nobody will ever have to travel the road alone.”

Support also came from Tory leader David Cameron, who stressed that Ian Baynham’s death demonstrated the urgency of tackling homophobic crime.

Internet chatter has criticised a number of gay-owned bars in Soho for remaining open during the course of the vigil.

WORLD PRIDE 2014 GOES TO TORONTO

Ismail Ahmed — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:21:32 +0000

With 78% of the vote, the city of Toronto has beat out Stockholm to host World Pride in 2014. Established in 2000, this will be the 4th scheduled World Pride. The event serves to promote LGBT issues on an international level, celebrating the history, courage, diversity and future of the LGBT community.

Featuring a parade of nations, a Trans March, a Dyke March and Pride Parade the provisional program further includes an international human rights conference, a wall of remembrance in honour of the 45th anniversary of Stonewall, an AIDS Candlelight vigil and a variety of exhibitions, fairs, and cultural events.

Pride Toronto, a not-for-profit organization, now in its 30th year of hosting Pride Week in Toronto will manage the event. Mark Singh, the group’s co-chair said “We are delighted to have been awarded this opportunity to bring the world to Toronto.” Mayor David Miller echoed his enthusiasm via his media spokesperson Stuart Green “The mayor absolutely supported the bid and is incredibly proud that we won!”

Canada is one of the world’s most progressive nations in terms of LGBT human rights concerns; in 1992 the ban on homosexuals serving openly in the military was lifted and in 2005 Canada was the fourth country to legalize same-sex marriage. Pride Toronto’s executive director Tracey Handilands stresses the importance of building international awareness, and states the festival will “highlight those countries where similar freedoms aren’t available and where human rights abuses against queer people still occur.”

The event has already met with a backlash from conservative members of the nation. Reverend Charles McVety, the president of the Canada Christian College and president of the Canada Family Action Coalition has deemed it a “sex parade” complaining, the government “will now line up and spew out millions of dollars” for it.

Pride Toronto counters its last Pride Week, which attracted a reported 1.3 million people, largely tourists, “contributed over $100 million to the economy of Ontario” generating “millions of dollars in taxes for all levels of our government, such as the $21.1 million collected last year alone”.

As with Pride Toronto, World Pride 2014 is to be funded by corporate sponsorships – the only money from taxpayers coming as grants from the government. For the ten-day event in 2009 they were granted 10% of their $4 million cost.

Given the apparent economical advantages, the grant appears a small price to pay. It seems the mayor agrees, Green says, “This event will mean tens of millions of dollars being spent in the local economy. Why on earth would anyone oppose it?”

Prior to Toronto, the next World Pride will take place in London, most likely from 23rd June to 8th July 2012. After 2014, the event will occur every five years.

HOMOVISION REHAB with THE SWARMITE: LIVING & DYING

Swarmite Parker — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 07:10:02 +0000

It’s been a mean few days for the families, friends, admirers and onlookers of Matt Lucas, Kevin McGee, Stephen Gately & Andrew Cowles. Our moments of silence go out to them. So many times we think we are in control of our lives, that we have really made it yet none of us can predict the time and nature of our death and those around us. It is this spiritual component, this acceptance of powerlessness, this act of surrender to not knowing when & how has cemented my life together. For some reason in this lifetime I have been surrounded by mass death, close death, high wire living and triumph over adversity. I arrived 5 weeks early, nearly died at birth, stayed in an incubator for 6 weeks and when I was 6 months old went back into an incubator for another 6 weeks with meningitis on the spine. No wonder as an adult, drink & drugs bounced off me. I defied death.

In 1970 I created chronic active hepatitis B virus within my body, in 1981 cirrhosis of the liver as a result of that virus and liver failure throughout the ’80’s way up until 1995 when I sero converted to just chronic Heb B status, changed my DNA without medication using rebirthing breathwork, phychic surgery and stubborn perseverance. I was on the original Human Interferon trial in 1982 but it did not work, but everyone else died on the trial except me. Don’t say I haven’t earnt the right to live today. They say that love brings up everything unlike itself for the purpose of healing, so what does death do? It makes us think about our very being.

Being around the early AIDS/GRID cases ( G.R.I.D. Gay Related Immune Deficiency ) in 1982 and a founder member of the THT Graphics and Promotions Group in 1984, seeing all my friends lose weight overnight and die within weeks was a mere rehearsal for an even bigger challenge. I was 6 years clean, sober and off the fags when my best friend did not turn up to see The Joan Collins Fan Club, the early incarnation of Julian Clary, at the Queen Elizabeth Hall on the South Bank. A big mystery because Barry booked the tickets. I saw the production with an empty seat beside me not knowing that Barry had been killed in his own bed with 67 stab wounds and his head decapitated the night before. It was between Christmas and New Year – 27th December 1987 – everyone was away and I was due to travel to Kent for New Year as planned, so off I went not knowing why Barries phone just kept ringing. The police would not break the door down as it was Christmas (he might have gone away) so 4 days later I rang the police again to enter the premises and I would pay for the broken door. They found carnage.

This is when my life changed and I realised that I know nothing. I had just returned from Australia after gaining residency there, a job and a home but my medical bills were too high, so I came back to the UK. Before I left for Oz 6 months before I said my last goodbyes to my ex lover James who had KS, now James was holding my hand as the police escorted me into the blood stained bedroom. Later I had to identify Barrie in the mortuary, as CRIMEWATCH was filming a reconstruction elsewhere. In my GREAT PLAN I was supposed to be living in Sydney Australia, James was about to die of AIDS and Barrie had a global career as an Arts Administrator yet here I was witnessing the debris of murder in a bedroom, proving that I know nothing, my plans are mere words. Some greater force of circumstance is at work.

Another weird thing happened – seeing the debris removed the anger from me around the murderer instantly. This was the work of a madman and I didn’t need to mirror it. It was the toughest time for me yet it gave me a foundation to eventually losing the 50th person to AIDS in 1990 and saying no more, enough is enough. Since then I have never attended an AIDS funeral but the deaths, the suicides, the overdoses of people around me increased. In 1994 -1996 I relented and spent 2 years just working with those with CD4’s less than 10, some in single figures, preparing them for completion of this life and afterlife, in and out of hospice. We had the funniest, best of times as gay humour cackled daily in the presence of life, forearmed for death.

In my great plan of recovery from alcoholism and other active addictions I have found that planning is futile, great goals ahead are time wasters if we don’t LIVE in the moment embracing every opportunity. For this reason I have created a fabulous life that has nothing to do with money, power, status and prestige for Barries murder proved to me that I KNOW NOTHING. It is the greatest act of surrender to the higher self, a surrender to WIN not lose. For the last 7 years I have travelled the world, 3 months of the year, leading seminars, laying in the sun, riding shopping malls, taking risks and constantly rebranding myself. Each day a new beginning. Now my time needs to be channeled elsewhere.

When I think of how and when I will die I think of my mum and dad. Both drank hardly at all and they never traveled abroad for holidays. My mum died in 1975 visiting my brother in the Army in Germany, her first trip abroad. She died at 12.30am with a heart attack on the dance floor while my brother was DJing – having the time of her life, what a way to go. It was always a source of constant embarrassment as kids that my Dad only drank a shandy or on special occasions a cherry brandy. Soon after Barries’ death my Dad went to live in Spain age 67 to get himself out of a rut.

After a few years he became a local character and Captain of the Local Pool Team playing at home and away. He had the time of his life. In 1992 at an away game in a bar he asked the barman “Do you have Cherry Brandy?”. “No mate, sorry,” came the reply. At which point he fell off the bar stool and died straight away with a heart attack. Both parents rarely drank, never went abroad yet both died in BARS in a foreign country. Some cosmic joke. So you see, I know nothing. I have angina but have no idea when I will pop my clogs or how I will croak, that is up to the great unseen, my only role is to live NOW without wasting time. I hope it’s on the dancefloor like Mum and Dad – and quick – no dribbling gay Nana with long term illness. People know that I want my ashes scattered in the steam room of the Sauna Hispalis in Seville so I can be around hot guys ad infinitum. The best sauna in the world.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/dominicspics/

Many of HOMOVISION’S younger readers may not have experienced close death but maybe the reality that two gay men in their thirties can hold our thoughts to ransom in just 7 days will encourage everyone to review themselves and those they leave behind. This month I celebrate 27 years sobriety, clean of all drugs, waking up each day to untold possibilities, surviving it all and if I can survive all this then so can you. When a boyfriend leaves you or you lose a job it feels like the end of the world, but feelings aren’t facts. You may feel like leaving your body as internal revenge or drink yourself stupid sometimes – think of the people around you watching, hoping, even praying that you will seek solace in another way of living and thinking.

There is no time for resentment, bitterness, suppressed anger and doubt. Think in today’s quiet time of the family and friends of Kevin & Steven and give thanks for the present support around you. It is ironic that in this same week the first public HIV/AIDS Memorial in the UK was opened by David Furnish in Brighton for those to remember, to remind ourselves of the ones who held us together in past trying times of lost loves & family friends of all sexualities. Those people are our history. Take a train ride, lay some flowers, take a deep breath of sea air and gratitude . . . and start LIVING, trusting and feeling pride inside, get a group together, celebrate life, death and the lessons of change that may need to occur in order to grasp continued inner peace.

More thoughts on Loving, Living, Dying and other facts of life can be found on twice weekly blogs at http://www.theswarmite.com or http://www.twitter.com/mygaytherapist

WIG PARTY WEEKEND

HOMOVISION — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 13:05:08 +0000

The wigtastic charidy event of the year is back this weekend at the Cafe de Paris, Leicester Square, with all proceeds go to HIV&AIDS charity Crusaid’s Points of Light projects in Africa.

This year’s theme is All at Sea, so thing fishnets, sailors, and the remnants of the dancefloor of an Atlantis Cruise. The hottest wigettes will form part of the runway show, where efforts will be judged by a celebrity-style panel that’s not to be missed.

Wig wonderboy Josh Rafter said “This year’s Party is all about having fun and raising money for a very inspirational campaign which enables kids affected by HIV&AIDS in Africa to have a safe place to go. Somewhere they can get support, an education, something to eat, and the guidance they need to become effective members of their communities. By buying a ticket or a VIP table and giving as much as you can, you really will have the best night of the year and the satisfaction of knowing you are helping our partners Crusaid do an awful lot of good.”

More information at www.wigparty.org

Doos open 6.30pm, Sunday 11th October

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